The Going-Ons: Motivations and Journeys (January 21, 2019)

I haven’t written anything in a long time. I have problems with motivation and confidence – a lifelong issue. When I think about what I’m most passionate about, however, it comes back to talking about movies and video games, and writing/ creating in general. I did create another blog “Better Late” where I attempted to blog about geek-culture and review video games and movies. Unfortunately, it was in a time where reviews and reading blogs in general were in dire decline. So, why am I writing this now? Because I want to.

For my entire adult life, I have been out of shape. This past November I started working out – rotating between lifting weights one day and running another, with a one-to-two day break a week. I’ve lost weight and I’ve gained muscle (it’s so weird!). I also have more energy and body confidence. Despite my wife almost constantly telling me I’m a sexy man-beast, I’ve never been that confident about my physical appearance. Exercising is something that has really helped me looked at what I want to accomplish in life. It’s something I fretted, talked, and overthought about, until I didn’t anymore and I just started doing. Now it’s becoming a habit.

That’s what I want to accomplish by coming back to this format and talking about my interests – I want to make it a habit. Listening to and becoming indirectly with Facebook communities involving video game podcasts such as “The Giant Bombcast” and “That Pixel Life” has helped inspire me to become more socially involved in the world – in a form with which I’m comfortable. This blog, those posts of memes and comments on people’s posts aren’t much, but they make me feel involved and heard.

I’ve decided that this is my year of “doing”. I’m going to write more – post here and work on projects that have been rattling around in my noggin’. I want to talk about what matters to me: things like comic book movies, Star Wars, video games and various genres and interests. I want to share more personal experiences. I love my life and I am happy, but do have other things that have been itching at me that I just want to do. There may even be the occasional fictional story.

This past year, we traveled to Israel. I had never been further outside of the U.S. further than the Caribbean. It was an amazing experience where I met extended family and friends, and experienced food, culture and history that’s always fascinated me. I also recently finished the extraordinary epic video game “Red Dead Redemption 2”, which I will write about soon. This July, I’m going to the UK for the first time. More childhood fantasies have been realized magnificently on the big-screen. Paddington 2 made me cry. So far, the book “Lonesome Dove” rocks.

Maybe I do eventually need to narrow this down to a focus – self-edit what I actually want to accomplish. Right now, this is what I want – to share my thoughts and experiences with the world.

My wife and I at the Dead Sea in Israel.
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What’s in the Name

I had a moment of realization today that what may have started off as a self-deprecating joke, as is often my way, may have more truth to it than initially thought.  When I first bought my Xbox 360, I came up with the screen name bad_gamer83.  One of my good friends found it funny and we continued on.  Today it hit me, due to my growing “pile of shame” and continuing habit of not finishing anything, and jumping from game to game, I actually may be a bad gamer.

Pile-of-Shame-Video-Games-02

As time lapsed since sticking to the name, to my dismay, I realized the name may be a bit of a repellent to other gamers who I try to connect with outside of the games I play.  I tell people my name and they mostly say nothing, the most recent, and probably longest response from someone on social media was “oh, well there you go”.  As shy and quiet as I can be, it was never my intent to repel fellow game-players.  This hasn’t been proven, of course, but it is a pretty solid theory.

My gaming habits have tended to follow other patterns in my life.  There would be excitement about the game, followed by brief but intense affairs and ending with me moving on to a different game, or one that was safe and familiar.  I do believe the last RPG I actually finished was “Mass Effect 3”.  There’s a lot to be said that I finished “Firewatch” within four hours and celebrated.  Unfortunately, this also has resulted in a form of hording –though trading in games tends to keep the literal pile small, though still ever-growing.  Even if a “new” game is easy, I tend to get nervous and drop off and just go back to what is familiar.

broken dual shock 4

Today I semi-committed to finishing “Fallout 4”.  I’ve never played through a Fallout game before and the franchise has always interested me.  It’s my way of taking another step in an actually important life-altering thing: stepping outside of my comfort zone.  Am I actually a “bad gamer”?  I think so.  Over the years, I kind of have become an undertaker of many, master of none.  It’s a label I want to stop living up to.